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[ Caleb takes a breath, counts to twenty, and then dials up the phone.

The moment she picks up: ]

I know...that I'm doing this the wrong way. I don't know what the hell I am doing, first of all, but I don't want to make you angry or feel like you're less important to me? I probably massively fucked up on that end though.

You're very important to me. I really want to you to know that, okay? Like, I...I've never had a girlfriend before. I've never trusted anyone as much as I trust you, and I really should've...said something to you about this. Before now. Before saying anything to Chase, fuck.

I don't. I didn't. There was no plan, there. I just wanted to be honest with him because it seems to work? He listens, kind of, when I don't give him room to fuck around with what I've said.

Being attracted to him doesn't...negate what he did. Or how he treats you now, still. I haven't forgiven him. In a perfect world he never would've tried to kill us and in a better one, he would have apologized by now. To you, especially.

[ The length of her silence in response probably isn't reassuring. That's good. She doesn't want it to be. ]

Doesn't negate what he did. Doesn't negate what he did?! He tried to kill us, Caleb! He tried to kill us! He burned a barn down around me and I would have died if you hadn't pulled me out. He wanted you to commit suicide just for a stupid power that's going to ruin his life. He hasn't apologized because he's not sorry. And he's never going to be sorry!

He tried to kill us, and I killed him instead.

[ Which is not...better. By even a small stretch, in Caleb's mind, and he understands why Sarah is so angry. Sarah is a stronger person than he is, for a lot of reasons. He doubts she'd be going through any of this, in his shoes. ]

Part of me has to hope he will be sorry, eventually. That he'll grow and become a better person. I realize how dumb that sounds.

At least you realize it.

[ She's crying. Sarah scrubs a hand across her eyes angrily, hating the idea of anyone walking in to the room right now and seeing her. God, this is so stupid, all of this is so stupid. And she doesn't get it. Normally she's good at this kind of thing, normally she's good at putting herself in someone else's shoes, trying to think through things from their position. ]

He would have killed you. He wouldn't have cared you were dead. What did you want to happen? Did you want him to win?

I'm really sorry.

[ God. He's really fucked this all up, hasn't he? Sarah sounds so upset and it's his fault, without a doubt. ]

I hoped...that he'd give up. Change his mind. I don't know, I just. I didn't want him to have to die. I didn't want to be the one to kill him.

[ She has to stop giving him these long silences, she has to, but it's so hard to think of something to say. How can she possibly judge him for not wanting to kill Chase? And if she can't judge him for that, how can she judge him for being glad on some level that Chase is alive?

But she does, she wants to scream and hit him and yell until he understands that Chase does not care. That he found her so insignificant that he didn't even bother to keep her awake, like even her fear didn't matter to him.

She swallows, trying to keep the sound of crying out of her voice. ]

What am I supposed to do?

Nothing? I don't. I didn't. Fuck. I told him but it's not...it doesn't change how he is or what he's done or how he behaves so it's not like.

I just thought. I should tell you? I don't know.

I'm not bringing him home. So. I'm not asking for you to do anything? I'm. So fucking sorry.

[ That quiet again, and she can feel something growing in it, some monster that feels like it's going to eat her alive if she leaves it unvoiced, but she's not even sure what it is.

A week isn't long enough. A week isn't long enough for her to know how to handle any of this. She was like the ball being moved under cups, shuffled around for Chase's amusement. She owes Caleb her life, and he feels bad for the guy that tried to take it.

Sarah closes her eyes, swallows, takes a deep breath. She can be calm. She can think this through, she can make sense of this mess. (Thinking won't make sense of this mess, part of her says, but she tries very hard to ignore it.) ]

What about him? When you said you were attracted to him, what did he say?

[ What about him, Caleb thinks, but mostly he's upset that this has all gone so horribly wrong and he has no idea how to fix it beyond never speaking honestly about his feelings again. ]

He laughed, at first, and then he got angry.

Like grossed-out homophobe angry or something else?

Something else. He was pissed that I told him, not because he's afraid of being gay. I'm pretty sure he doesn't care about that.

[ Oh, no. No no no. ]

How would you know he doesn't care about that?

[ It could be the Brad Pitt movie. It could also not be. ]

Aaron said some shit to him in the locker room once, called him a faggot, and Chase punched him. Well. Aaron punched him first.

It wasn't one of those fear responses, I guess. Didn't seem like one.

Edited 2017-11-20 21:42 (UTC)

Oh.

[ She knew Aaron was an asshole, but he's just crossed the line into 'irredeemable asshole' territory. ]

Okay.

[ Sarah rubs her face. ]

Look, Caleb. I.

[ A beat. ]

Whatever you do, however you feel about Chase, don't expect me to be okay with him, all right? Like, ever. If you pick him then you pick him, that's whatever. It's... I don't get it, I don't, I won't, but.

[ She bites her lip, tears stinging her eyes while she tries to figure out how to boil the rancid mess churning around inside her down into something digestible. ] I hate him, Caleb. I hate him.

Okay.

[ That's all he can say. There's nothing else really to say. This all feels weird, and final, and he's wishing he could go back in time and just not say anything. His chest hurts and he's trying to ignore the pressure behind his eyes because he's sure Sarah feels 1000 times worse.

He just told her he's attracted to someone she hates. That can't feel good. ]

I mean...yeah. I understand.

Okay.

[ Okay. God, why do words just freaking suck at the most important moments?

This is where she should say she loves him. This is where she tells him it isn't his fault. This is where she should say something that proves she forgives him. ]

I'm gonna go. I'll see you in the communal building later. Dinner or something?

[ She doesn't say anything very comforting or reassuring but she doesn't freeze him out completely and Caleb? Will take what he's offered, at this point. ]

Dinner would be good.

Okay. Good.

[ Love you. Come on. Say it. ]

I'll see you then.

[ He isn't managing to say it either because it feels rude, somehow. Hi, I've upturned our lives by having feelings for someone dangerous, but I love you~ ]

Okay.

Bye.

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